Divorce maybe

jim67

Eight Pointer
The last couple months the wife has been distant. Sat morning she said she wasn't happy, I didn't give her the "attention" she needed, so now we are seeing how things go. I have been trying to do better on my part but not much received from her. Im afraid its a little too late. Trust me, she has her faults too as we all do, but Sat I was a basket case. Now Im wondering if I just need to leave. She said we can do it without a lawyer which I believe, but dang. Not what I wanted or expected to hear after 13 yrs.
 

pattersonj11

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
Im reading a book currently that my girlfriend recommended. Its called "things i wish i had known before i got married". I havent finished it yet, but i think you may want to check it out and possibly ask the wife if she would read it as well.

It offered a very interesting spin on marraige. It has lead to some really good conversations so far.
 

Hank

Old Mossy Horns
Very sorry to hear of this, my prayers will be with you both. Personal question, do you two have children together? Patterson mentioned a book that shed some light on marriage for him. I am going to recommend another one, I am not having a problem with my marriage at all, best it has been ever at his point. But check out A New Season, written by Al and Lisa Robertson, they had every right to part ways, but they worked it out. Knee mail being sent for you now.
 
Last edited:

pattersonj11

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
Part of the book i mentioned talks about how relationships will change over time. It evolves from "tingly love" to more of a teammate in life. A more mature love is more of a best friend/teammate situation. It fits perfect with what i see in my family with parents and grandparents. That is part of something i knew....but never realized as much.
 

Zach's Grandpa

Old Mossy Horns
I'm not being hard here honestly just trying to help based on experience. Over the years I've talked with and counseled with many couples whose marriage was in trouble. I'm not a licensed counselor and I don't pretend to be but a lifetime of experience that included divorce along with a decent knowledge of the Bible has enabled me to be a good listener. God has blessed me with a desire to help people and given me some wisdom to do so.

Again, not being hard or making accusations of any sort, but not being happy and not getting enough attention is not reason enough to end a marriage. There is a much deeper issue than those reasons alone. My advice is to seek professional counseling, if you are in a church your pastor could be a good place to start. I say could be because most pastors have no idea what is involved or the emotions felt when going through a divorce. It takes more than "just fix it" to work through these problems. It takes more than telling a couple "Well lets pray about it and ask God to restore your marriage". Will God restore your marriage? Absolutely without a doubt He will, but for God to work a miracle there has to be a desire from both of you for Him to do so. Until you get to the root of the problem you don't know how to pray for the restoration.

I'm not sure where you are located but if you want to PM me I can recommend some professional Christian based counselors that I have referred people to over the years. God bless.
 

Weekender

Twelve Pointer
The last couple months the wife has been distant. Sat morning she said she wasn't happy, I didn't give her the "attention" she needed, so now we are seeing how things go. I have been trying to do better on my part but not much received from her. Im afraid its a little too late. Trust me, she has her faults too as we all do, but Sat I was a basket case. Now Im wondering if I just need to leave. She said we can do it without a lawyer which I believe, but dang. Not what I wanted or expected to hear after 13 yrs.

I believed that line of horse hockey and have paid and paid and paid and paid for such lack of wisdom. Get a lawyer, sir.
 

Firefly

Old Mossy Horns
I believed that line of horse hockey and have paid and paid and paid and paid for such lack of wisdom. Get a lawyer, sir.

I hope things work out for you and your Wife . What Weekender posted is good sound advice, take it for your sake if things go south ...
 
Last edited:

Mike Noles aka conman

Administrator
Staff member
Contributor
I'm probably going to be the most brutal to reply, but also the most honest. Like others, I've heard the " I'm not happy", "You aren't giving me the attention", and most telling "we can do it without a lawyer..." line before in my life. Each line screams " THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE!!!". I'd get a lawyer first, then do as others have suggested and seek counseling quickly. I'm not saying she's being unfaithful as yet, but. Please accept my apologies if this is out of line and I'll take my licks from all that want to dish them, but I know and speak from an anguishing personal experience that took years to recover from and something that never really heals. I pray that I'm wrong, and I'll keep each of you in prayer for a reunion and revitalized marriage.
 

Briargoat

Ten Pointer
Was seeing a girl I thought I would potentially marry and found the above to be true. Seeing a divorce lawyer just to get some info can't hurt. My advice is that if you're unsure about ending it then you aren't ready for it to be over. You should watch "fireproof" if you've never seen it.
 

Soilman

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
Another good Christian based "marriage in trouble" movie is "The War Room". One thing you both need to understand, YOU are NOT the source of your wife's happiness, nor she yours.
 

pattersonj11

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
Another good Christian based "marriage in trouble" movie is "The War Room". One thing you both need to understand, YOU are NOT the source of your wife's happiness, nor she yours.

second time I have heard mention of this movie this week.
 

Eric Revo

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
Lots of great advice in this thread..all I can offer in addition is my prayers that you will listen to what God tells you and abide with whatever he says. You can only be responsible for your side of this, don't take responsibility for her side or you'll find yourself miserable if the outcome isn't what you think it should have been.
I've seen too many friends focus on "if I had only done"..and it wasn't something they could have changed in the first place, nor would it have made a difference in the outcome.
Prayers sent for peace and wisdom.
 

GSOHunter

Twelve Pointer
Contributor
I'm probably going to be the most brutal to reply, but also the most honest. Like others, I've heard the " I'm not happy", "You aren't giving me the attention", and most telling "we can do it without a lawyer..." line before in my life. Each line screams " THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE!!!". I'd get a lawyer first, then do as others have suggested and seek counseling quickly. I'm not saying she's being unfaithful as yet, but. Please accept my apologies if this is out of line and I'll take my licks from all that want to dish them, but I know and speak from an anguishing personal experience that took years to recover from and something that never really heals. I pray that I'm wrong, and I'll keep each of you in prayer for a reunion and revitalized marriage.
Unfortunately this may be correct. I have 3 friends that just recently got lines like this and they all found out there was someone else.
 

DFisher

Eight Pointer
If you get a lawyer, be prepared to say goodbye. If she is not seeing someone else, that will be the last straw for her, if she doesn't already have the last straw. I got the same lines, and for sure, there was someone else. But I like to think there is a chance it isn't always that way.

I would say do not leave. That shows you gave up. If she wants to, she will, but don't do it for her. Find a good Christian counselor and be true with him and yourself. You may find ways to work out your differences. Please don't be too quick to throw in the towel.
 

jim67

Eight Pointer
Very sorry to hear of this, my prayers will be with you both. Personal question, do you two have children together? Patterson mentioned a book that shed some light on marriage for him. I am going to recommend another one, I am not having a problem with my marriage at all, best it has been ever at his point. But check out A New Season, written by Al and Lisa Robertson, they had every right to part ways, but they worked it out. Knee mail being sent for you now.

Thank you, but what is a knee mail?
 

jim67

Eight Pointer
Wow, just realized I misspelled divorce. Thanks guys for all the support. I do believe there is a deeper problem. Her kids are older now, one graduated 2 yrs ago, the other is about to graduate. She didn't take the first one too well and I know she wont take this one well, because I know her and how she can overreact to stuff, and she stresses easily, more so now than say 5 yrs ago. Thanks again and I will be praying myself.
 

Weekender

Twelve Pointer
If you get a lawyer, be prepared to say goodbye. If she is not seeing someone else, that will be the last straw for her, if she doesn't already have the last straw. I got the same lines, and for sure, there was someone else. But I like to think there is a chance it isn't always that way.

I would say do not leave. That shows you gave up. If she wants to, she will, but don't do it for her. Find a good Christian counselor and be true with him and yourself. You may find ways to work out your differences. Please don't be too quick to throw in the towel.

If she insists they divorce, which i seemed to have interpreted had happened from the OP, he HAS to get a lawyer. He wont be thinking clearly and he will get taken for a ride. Sounds crass and materialistic maybe but...it is wise advice.
 

Troutbum82

Twelve Pointer
Prayers from here, I will say this I was in a similar situation 2 years ago but roles reversed. And today my wife and I are happier and closer than we have ever been we let God lead and sought help from a Christian councilor and even though it was hard at first we fought through it and prevailed. There is hope but only through Christ.
 

45/70 hunter

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
Prayer sent Jim. I really, truly hope y'all can save it.
I hate to say it and I hope this isn't your path, but conman very likely hit the nail on the head. I've been there, my wife walked after 20 years. I've walked that long dark road. Even so, I tried everything and I mean EVERYTHING to save our marriage, but it was already too late from her side. Do the best YOU can from today forward and prayer is all you can do. The rest is up to God, and your wife.
A friend gave me this card in '09 when I was as low as low could go. It is getting tattered but I carry it in my wallet to this day. I did and still does help every time I look at it.

011.jpg
 
Last edited:

DFisher

Eight Pointer
If she insists they divorce, which i seemed to have interpreted had happened from the OP, he HAS to get a lawyer. He wont be thinking clearly and he will get taken for a ride. Sounds crass and materialistic maybe but...it is wise advice.

I understand that. I did not interpret divorce was imminent, but you could be right.
 

sky hawk

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
Don't leave. Do everything in your power to save your marriage. Even if you fail, you will look back knowing you did everything you could. Now is not the time for pride.

Of course, you still need to protect yourself...
 

jim67

Eight Pointer
Thanks guys. I am very worried about what I need to do. Don't think its salvageable, so Im wondering when I move out, what will I do with all my stuff, band saw, tool boxes, work benches, tractor, 4 wheeler, trailer. I cant go live in an apartment, I need a garage or basement and they are hard to find for the price range I need. Anybody know of a place to rent around K ville?
 

Eric Revo

Old Mossy Horns
Contributor
First, unless there has been an actual dissolve of the marriage, don't move out without at least a signed and witnessed paper explaining that it was mutually agreeable that it was the only action that this was the only recourse.
Her lawyers will use any actions for her benefit or they aren't worth their salt.
 

EGrdneck

Guest
The five love languages by chapman....lots of prayer and more prayer and the love dare....also marriage counseling by a bible believing counselor can go a long ways.....I speak as a young man married only 5 yrs but the above method coupled with God's grace saved my marriage and I was the one who caused the trouble to begin with....Rome wasn't built in a day and even Nehemiah couldn't build the wall in a day....its a long process but I think it can be fixed no matter what...

Either way my family will be praying for you both tonight at during our family time.
 
Top